I have been a widower for just over 17 months. I stood over the still form of my beloved
Susan in the early hours of November 28th of 2014, as her breathing
became increasingly ragged and finally ceased at 5:45 AM. Heartbroken, then as now, I knew to the
depths of my soul that from that day forward my very best day possible would never
be even 10% as good as my very worst day when Susan was alive. And nothing has
happened since then to convince me otherwise, and thus that fact has become one
of the underlying assumptions by which I live.
Susan and I had a unique and incredibly sustaining
relationship that spanned our personal and work lives. We worked together, made
bad jokes together, were creative together and much more. I could not then, nor
can I now imagine life without her at my side. A large part of me became very badly broken
when she died.
They say that time heals all wounds, but I still feel very incomplete.
But, given my intensely questioning nature, I am forced to consider the idea that
for some reason, I do not want to heal.
Is that possible? And if it is,
why would that be? Here are some ideas
that have occurred to me. One possibility is that I fear that if I stop being
heartbroken that I am somehow being disloyal, or failing to properly honor
Susan’s memory. This is certainly worth consideration. Another real possibility is just good
old-fashioned human resistance to change.
If I remain in the twilight land of the lost, I am not moving on, living
the same life I did when Susan was here, and thus not changing. Also worth some
thought. Or maybe I simply don’t have a
clue how to proceed. Or it could be a
combination of all of the above.
It is indeed a daunting task to disassemble a comfortable
life of multiple decades and then try to envision and construct a new life out
of whatever pieces of the old one seem worth hanging on to. That cannot be minimized. Also not to be
minimized is the idea expressed above that life has been diminished almost in
its entirety by the loss of my beloved partner. I have yet to find a way around
that being the first and last thought I have each day. However, I find that I spend an increasing
amount of time trying to analyze whether or not I might be ‘stuck’, and how to become 'unstuck'. And I spend an increasing amount of time
trying hard to envision some sort of future that is in some way satisfying. And
sometimes I actually can.
My Susan was a healer. And she often told me that her job
centered around a very simple concept: the “installation of hope”. And she was a miracle worker when it came to
that particular talent. One need not be a person of faith (as indeed I am not)
to have hope. Hope is one of those elemental things that makes us human. We can
envision, we can daydream. And I know that one of my most important tasks at hand
is to overcome the inertia created by my loss and start dreaming of a future.
The “installation of hope” begins with the glimmer of belief that somehow,
someday, some way, the hurt will lessen, the darkness will brighten, the
sadness and heartbreak will be alleviated to at least some degree, and some
reasons to go on will present themselves. This is what I am working very hard
to try to accomplish.
Time to put out the second installment of the Soundtrack of
a Life Rebuilding. Here you go:
- By Way of Sorrow - Cry Cry Cry (Written by Julie and Buddy Miller - see below)
- Love Will Find You Again - Pierce Pettis
- So Says the Whippoorwill - Richard Shindell
- I think It's Going to Rain Today - Norah Jones (Written by Randy Newman)
- Rain - Rose Cousins (Written by Patty Griffin)
- Arrow - Cheryl Wheeler
- Ghost in This House - Michael Johnson (Written by Hugh Prestwood)
- Come With Me - Tania Maria
- Joan of Arc - Jennifer Warnes and Leonard Cohen
- Walls - Tommy Emmanuel (Written by Pam Rose and Mary Anne Kennedy)
- The #1 song above is almost a hymn about the installation of hope after a massive heartbreak/trauma. Here are the lyrics:
BY WAY OF SORROW – Julie & Buddy Miller
You've been taken by the
wind
You have known the kiss of sorrow
Doors that would not take you in
Outcast and a stranger
You have known the kiss of sorrow
Doors that would not take you in
Outcast and a stranger
You have come by way of
sorrow
You have come by way of tears
But you'll reach your destiny
Meant to find you all these years
Meant to find you all these years
You have come by way of tears
But you'll reach your destiny
Meant to find you all these years
Meant to find you all these years
You have drunk a bitter
wine
With none to be your comfort
You who once were left behind
Will be welcome at love's table
With none to be your comfort
You who once were left behind
Will be welcome at love's table
You have come by way of
sorrow
You have come by way of tears
But you'll reach your destiny
Meant to find you all these years
Meant to find you all these years
You have come by way of tears
But you'll reach your destiny
Meant to find you all these years
Meant to find you all these years
...
All the nights that joy
has slept
Will awake to days of laughter
Gone the tears that you have wept
You'll dance in freedom ever after
Will awake to days of laughter
Gone the tears that you have wept
You'll dance in freedom ever after
You have come by way of
sorrow
You have come by way of tears
But you'll reach your destiny
Meant to find you all these years
Meant to find you all these... You have come by way of sorrow
You have come by way of tears
But you'll reach your destiny
Meant to find you all these years
Meant to find you all these years
You have come by way of tears
But you'll reach your destiny
Meant to find you all these years
Meant to find you all these... You have come by way of sorrow
You have come by way of tears
But you'll reach your destiny
Meant to find you all these years
Meant to find you all these years
I work hard daily to find reasons to hope…
Cheers all!
MPC:05-05-2016
