I had been with my sweetheart, Susan for 17 years when she was diagnosed with stage IIIc ovarian cancer. Up to that time I had always endeavored to be a thoughtful, attentive and caring husband. And she acknowledged this reasonably often. And when she was diagnosed, I took on the additional job of caregiver, medical advocate, sometime chauffeur (to take her to see her clients) and cranked the loving, attentiveness and thoughtfulness to the max.
I somehow convinced myself that our love would prevail against the disease. This was of course, a delusion, but not an uncommon one. I have spoken to others whose families have experienced terminal cancer who felt at the outset they could beat it. Some do, many do not.
When Susan left this life last November 28th, for a time I was simply numb. It was difficult to grasp what had happened, let alone how I was to cope with it. I participated in two or three grief groups and learned a skill or two, met some wonderful people, many of whom are now friends and fellow 'bereavers'.
Nearly seven months have passed, and I have experienced significant ups and downs emotionally. I am surrounded by an incredible array of supportive people:family and friends, customers and business associates. They have been and continue to be wonderful. But I continue to struggle emotionally. It is very difficult for me to see my life as anything but pointless, having been robbed of the main purpose of that life, having been robbed of my very identity.
In essence I am living the same life I was when Susan was with me. But without her, it seems a joyless exercise of dragging myself through each day, doing what is expected of me. Intuitively, it seems to me that I need a major change in order to snap out of the blue funk in which I find myself. But what change? What does it look like? Sell the house and all my stuff and move somewhere new? Join the French Foreign Legion? Run away and join the circus?
Situational depression cannot be treated with medication. It passes with time and efforts made to cope and heal. In other words you just have to 'guts' it. So through all of this one question floats to the surface. And that question is this: what would you do if you were me?
07-19-2015
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