I am deep into the 'anniversary season'. A year ago my beloved wife's health was deteriorating as I watched, powerless to halt the march of the disease. And all those images are still relatively fresh in my mind, making this season somewhat difficult. I miss Susan terribly, and that will not change, but oddly enough, there are other factors at work that I must acknowledge if I am to be honest with myself.
The first is gratitude. In spite of the tragedy of losing my wonderful Susan, I have a support system so rich and deep and varied as to make me dizzy. Family, adult stepkids and their incredible spouses, friends, customers, neighbors. Wonderful, kind, supportive, amazing. The members of my grief group, with whom I still get together regularly are an example. Incredible people. I cannot overstate the gratitude I have for everyone. Secondly, one of the reasons the loss of Susan hurts as much as it does is that we had a deep connection on many, many levels and to lose that is profoundly hurtful. However, as it occurred to me this week (again): I got to have the honor and privilege of being her husband for 20 years. To walk the earth hand in hand with a soul so stunning, so magnificent as to take my breath away. The gratitude for that makes some of the sharp edges of loss somewhat less sharp.
In addition to the dimension of gratitude is an odd and building interaction with the bathroom mirror. The image in the mirror says to me, "Wait a moment. I am not the one who has died. I am not the one whose problems have all been solved permanently. I am the one who must figure out how to live in this plane of existence.". I have had (in my mind, of course) a number of interactions like this. Do I need an aluminum foil hat and a prescription for lithium? Probably not. What I need is to start trying to move forward with my life. Part of my resistance to that whole idea is the fear that doing so would somehow be disrespectful to the memory of Susan. But especially in the past few weeks I have had a couple of incidents where I almost felt like Susan was telling me to get a move on. Recommit yourself to your business! Be happy that so many people care about you!
Wow.
Mirror, Mirror on the wall,
who's the most broken hearted
man of all...
Hmm...
Not me.
Sad for sure, sometimes lonely
missing her with all my heart
But I got to be her guy
had that honor for 20 years
and that must be enough....
MPC:10-19-2015
Yes. You nailed it.
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