And Now....What?

Last time I told you all that I had arrived at a place where I felt hopeful enough and free enough to think about building a new life, a new identity.  That is easier said than done, of course. 

Make no mistake that you will wake up one day and be done grieving and know how to proceed. The process of grieving will be with you for a long time.  You will hear a song, experience a smell, remember a good time.  But I can promise you that you will start remembering more good times and joyous occasions with your loved one than the sad ones.  I am noticing this in myself.   In terms of knowing how to proceed to build a new life, you will find it to be an evolutionary process.  You did not arrive at the place you were in your life when you experienced your loss in an instant.  In most cases much of who you were when the loss occurred took a long time to form.  So it stands to reason that making a new identity for yourself will take time, and require you to be patient and brutally honest with yourself.

It will involve contemplating your life, and may even involve some contemplation of your death.

I was fortunate enough yesterday to run across a TED talk by a New Orleans artist by the name of Candy Chang.  In her talk she explained that she had experienced a devastating loss in her life and wanted to contemplate what that meant in an artistic fashion.  She came up with the idea of creating a public space that asked the question “What do you want to do before you die?”.  She created a public space on an abandoned building in New Orleans where she stenciled the question on a chalkboard wall hundreds of times and left chalk for people to fill in their answers.  By the next morning after installing the piece the wall was full.  This phenomenon has gone around the world.  Such walls exist now in hundreds of places.

So that got me to thinking. Taking stock.  Who am I? What motivates me? What do I want to do before I die?

I was raised and educated to believe that my life is about being of service to others. By and large I have lived that life. I am a grandpa.  I am a stepfather, a friend and neighbor, and for over 33 years of my adult life, a husband. It has been my privilege and honor to be these things, the most significant of these, I believe, was being a husband.  Making what was important to her important to me. Making sure she (and her children) came first no matter what. And when she became ill, making sure that she was cared for and loved with absolutely no reservation. She is gone now, which has the effect of rendering the main ethos of my life somewhat moot. Metaphorically, it is like a garden hose that has lovingly watered the garden for years and then the fitting broke off, causing the water to be sprayed randomly everywhere, putting the garden at risk.

 

So what to make of this? What do I want to do before I die?  I want to be the best grandpa I can be.  I want to be the best friend and neighbor I can be. And yes… at some point, I want the chance to once again love and be loved. (Boy was that hard to say….).

I just want a life full of people, full of companionship, good humor, kindness and serenity.  That will suit me just fine.

01-31-2016 MPC