Another Valentine's Day

Valentine’s Day Again

Yes, Susan and I were big fans of Valentine’s Day. We would go out to dinner, I would give her roses, and we would write a poem to each other.  We regarded it as just another way to celebrate the magic that was our relationship.  So it is kind of a hard day for me to get through.  I hear all the hype, see all the ads for flowers and chocolates and all the other (Buy Me! Buy Me!) crap that the Great Marketing Mechanism tries to foist off on us, and think to myself, yup, I used to participate in that.

So is a widower on Valentine’s Day like a Christian Scientist with appendicitis?  A little, I think. 

You find out when the clock turns over one year since the loss of your loved one that it does not magically get any easier.  You find out that the grief process is anything but a straight line.  And while on one day you are full of ideas about your future, brimming with positive energy and resolve, and ready to take on the world, the next day you just want to dig a hole and crawl in.

So I have neighbors coming over this evening for a reasonably gourmet supper and some good conversation and a bottle or two of good wine.  That will get me through the worst of it. 

And, while at one level my mind keeps wanting to make plan after plan about my future, loaded with details and things I will do, the best strategy remains this: enjoy the ride as best you can.  You will know when it is time to change things.  You will know how.  Now is not the time. 

I wrote this poem as I was contemplating how badly I missed Susan in the run-up to Valentine’s day.

Another Day

Another day in paradise

   My sweetie used to say

Talking about our life together

   And celebrating every day.

And what she meant

   Was in all ways true

But now she’s gone

    And I don’t know what to do.

Every day I pace and pace

     Through the motions of my life

Wondering if 30 morphine pills

     Would help me join my wife.

I know that my ending that way

    Will never ever come to be

But finding meaning in this pacing cage

    Is something I find hard to see.

Another day in paradise

    My sweetie used to say

The irony of those words

     Ringing in my ears every day.

02-12-2016:MPC      

Happy Valentine’s Day everyone.