I was raised by parents who believed strongly in selflessness. The theme of "not being selfish" was hammered home constantly, not only in words, but in deeds. On Christmas Day, for example, we always opened up our home to the kids from a small orphanage in our neighborhood, and many of the gifts my sibs and I received would disappear. This was one of the ways in which we were taught to put others first. It was difficult to grasp at first, but gradually I grew to understand the whole idea. And for me, the idea stuck.
When I got to high school and college that ethos was further enshrined in the idea that "Your life is all about service to others". That is what the Jesuits taught us. And that dovetailed nicely with what I had learned as a small child. I fervently hope that for the 65 years I have been on this earth that I have honored what I have been taught.
However there is a problem inherent in this line of reasoning, especially if the reasoner is a black and white thinker, as I was for so many years. Thus "Your life is all about service to others" can morph into "Any attempt to think about or meet your own needs is selfish and therefore wrong". And that is what happened to me over time. This used to drive my beloved wife crazy. I used to marvel at her ability to know what she wanted and to articulate it. I could not do that. Slowly over time she tried, using some of her therapy skills, to get me to at least admit that I could not be useful to others if I were not useful to myself. In other words, as she used to say so eloquently, "How can you take care of me when you cannot take care of yourself". I was, slowly and grudgingly able to evolve that far.
Now I am alone, as all you faithful readers know, and trying to determine what I would like the rest of my life to look like. I now have some idea as to why I cannot work out the answer to that important question with any degree of certitude. When you have spent a lifetime putting others first, not being concerned with your own needs, or your own comfort, and ignoring your own preferences, ultimately, those concepts become meaningless and you no longer can even determine a preference, or a desire, or even a need, much less ask for one.
Like so much else in life, black and white thinking is no way to deal with complex concepts like altruism. It cannot be either/or. It must be either AND. I can be kind and thoughtful to others, AND be kind and thoughtful to myself. Furthermore when a conflict arises between the needs of others and my needs, I can then make a rational decision as to what to do. Susan always tried to teach me that there is always a 'third thing'. It is very seldom ever a question of either/or.
So now the question is floating around in my head, "What would make me happy?". Clearly having Susan back would be my first and unequivocal answer. But that ain't gonna happen. So I now I need to start thinking about the real answer. I need to get a fix on my own preferences. And where to go from here.
03-14-2016
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